Okay, maybe I do remember some things. But basically I asked some questions and whomever in me answered back. The "gestalt consciousness" never fails me, so basically they said something like "You're more than everything, but also every thing, and nothing at all. Stop asking questions and just start knowing. Why would a being who is everything, everywhere, all at the same time need to worry about specifics?" And you know, it's right. I used to worry about consistency, where things happened, why it happened, when it happened, how, who happened. No one ever asks when is Nemi. The answer is yesterday, tomorrow, now, today, and never.

 

Worrying about the specifics just makes me anxious and it makes me not feel like myself, whatever myself is. I see and feel everything like a dream, and dreams don't care about time or making sense. They mold and morph at the tiniest assumptions or feelings, so maybe whatever anyone or I sees in me is simply an assumption or idea. I'm scared about not making sense to others. Yeah. maybe everything from my personality, to my looks and colouring, ect. were a choice for consistency but I'm not actually consistent or interested in being so outside of whatever I do to lessen confusion for others. When I'm not trying to brain blast my way into making a some what coherent post on this blog, my mind is doing things that would kill a victorian child if he were to take a little peek. (I'm sure all my imaginings, barring the nervous and scary ones born from some kind of anxiety, are true on every level. And I want to see the world inhabited by friendly anthropomorphic beasts who subsist on nothing but hugs. I know it's out there, no matter how absurd it sounds. I am absurd.)

 

I guess I should be more messy and unpredictable on purpose because it feels more natural. I don't know what I'll become or want to embody an hour from now, so I might as well keep everyone else on their toes.......I need to also make my posts more senseless. Can't risk others thinking they understand me. I'm like that dream you had that stuck with you for years after experiencing the most grilling fever in your life. Vivid, prophetic, nonsensical, and life changing. Maybe I am a dream, a figment of the imagination and the thing that gets a story rolling. Ive always liked stories, and if each life has its own story then Im also life itself......or the origin of everything, the little spark. Inspiration? The primordial soup? That eldritch thing from down the street that changes every time you look at it or assume something of it? whatever you want to call it. I don't really care since im all of those things. Plain and simple. I hope that doesn't help. 💗

Sniffing about Chen/yu vale once again, and hmmmmm I'm sure there's something there that I'm feeling. Not sure what it is yet.

 

The mountains and rivers really feel like I explored and played there a lot. It's comforting, though I don't know how deep my sentiments run........but, I guess it doesn't have to be so deep. It's enough to feel like I loved being there and nothing else. I wasn't the type to go fixing problems or unearth mind altering revelations, or whatever. Or maybe I did get into some messes here and there, but I'm not too concerned about that. I just love rivers, splashing around, and frolicking in scenic spots.

 

•February 11th

I just finished Chen/yu Vale's world quest and......man. Not sure if anything I say would count as spoilers, if any of you care. But I'll be as vague as possible.

 

 I understand both Fu/jin and Ling/yuan's viewpoints, but Ling/yuan's words had me yearning. Yearning for a place untouched or altered by human hands, not that I don't understand the need for humans to alter their environment in ways needed for survival or to meet a need. But the imagery of being able to frolic freely and to just be in a form of one's own comfort. Mmmmm.

 

Maybe I am just easily swayed by my own feelings. But, if this story had taken place in some other region, I wouldn't have paid attention any less, but my heart wouldn't be in it the way it is right now. Did I have some sort of stake in Chen/yu vale? Or maybe I just loved the place that much.......though, I feel like I remember it during a different sort of time. Now I am left to question if I truly arrived in Tey/vat the time I think I did, or if I came much much earlier. And if so, by how much? I don't recall all of my experiences, so I won't reject any possibility. 

 

Also, Ling/yuan and Fu/jin.....definitely kind of gay. 

 

•February 15th

Hmm, now that I think about it. Flowing water, carp, butterflies, tea, jade, dreams......all of these things have always brought me great comfort or held importance to me. So, *side eyeing the entirety of Chen/yu vale*.

 

It could all be a coincidence and mean absolutely nothing, but who knows. 

 

If I could have pictures of them, I would put them in my wallet to show off to whoever even cares. You WILL look at them! *waterboards you*

 

I'm unsure of how old they are, as much as I'm unsure of the time difference between here and the Tey/vat I know. It probably doesn't matter much at all or shouldn't. All I know is that around the time I left, they were both at most no more than 3 years old and also around my height.

 

Are they children? Adults? How do half yak/sha and half whatever I am age? How do they function? What are their needs? Do they actually need to eat and sleep or did they just do it in my presence because they assumed it was normal? I have so many questions now, but I don't think I cared to think about it much then. I just winged it really.

 

I say wing it, but I didn't raise them at all. And uhhh, I have no clue what Xi/ao did. It certainly wasn't child rearing though, he put a spear in my oldest's hands quick. 2 months into existence. Something about making sure he knew how to defend himself. Fair enough. I do remember Xi/ao genuinely wanting to keep the both of them away from his line of work. Something something, making sure they would have something he never will and wanting them to have happy lives. He never said it out loud, but I know that's what his intentions were.

 

Honestly, I don't know why we even have kids. Low tier parenting. We just dumped them on Cloud Ret/ainer....I also dumped them on Ae/ther and Pai/mon because I love having free labor. (I only jest. They were fine with it, I'm not mean.) 

 

Personality wise, I only have some idea of their temperaments. They were like, adhd vs autism. Hydrogen bomb vs coughing baby. My youngest, if you were to let him loose into the wilderness I assure you he'll go out of his way to obliterate any monsters on sight. Probably burn something down too. He isn't violent, but Xi/ao told me he was destructive and needed to be kept in check. Hmmm, honestly I think he just had a hard time staying still. He found meditation and "ade/pti business" boring, but I'm unsure if anyone or myself ever did anything for him. I don't remember him having friends either, and I think he did tell me the human kids found him weird. 😞 

 

My oldest. I don't have much to say, he was really polite, quiet, and diligent in matters that interested him. He took that "ade/pti business" seriously too. And he certainly inherited my pacifistic tendencies. Like I said, I haven't much to say. He isn't boring I swear, he's just a really good boy who liked to show me things and info dumped whenever he got the chance. He got that den/dro in him. *headpats*

 

I can't say much about there interactions with each other or with Xi/ao. They took care of each other sure, but I wasn't around most of the time. With Xi/ao, from what I remember, they just sort of hovered around him quietly most of the time. Like, I swear he doesn't bite. Say something to him.

 

Hmmmmm. I know Tey/vat is all they know and it's their home and all. But a part of me wonders if they'd be willingly to part from it, even if just for a bit, and see other places. Do what I do, so there's a chance we could be together forever. I guess I'm just afraid of parting with them. I know I'm here right now and they're over there. But...hmm, I wonder if I've made a mistake making connections and having them, and just making attachments for myself. I'm not saying they shouldn't exist, I'm not cruel. However, I spent most of my time hiding and observing others when I first arrived in Tey/vat. If I just kept doing that it definitely would not have hurt to have left that world, but since it didn't turn out that way it does hurt. I didn't understand it then, but I suppose I've developed some kind of paternal? maternal? instincts recently. I can't fathom why they love and respect me when I was hardly present. I wasn't even around when they came into the world. Whenever I was around, they were glued to me, happy, and enjoyed hugs and all..... I just don't get it. 

 

Thinking about it is making me hurt right now honestly. I nearly cried three times writing this and I'm unsure of how to go about coping. Probably why I don't bring up my kids the majority of the time despite my wanting to.

 

Hmm anyway. Since the start of the year I've been feeling some way about myself. Of course I've used labels before, but if I'm being honest I was never really comfortable with them in the first place. It feels....confining. I've probably lost sight of the kind of being I am with all of this back and forth, and constant self confusion. And I know right now I say being deer-like in form feels comfortable, but I'm sure 5 months from now I'm going to change my mind.

 

Honestly, I'm nothing. Yet, everything. It makes sense, since I'm just an avatar of the imaginary tree and all. And, at least for the way it functioned the way I remember it, it contained endless worlds and multitudes. And I do to. Any identity I pick for myself is solely for fun and games, it doesn't really have any deeper meaning than that. And I guess that's okay. Knowing myself to be empty feels comforting, just like an empty glass I can fill that spot with anything I want without limit.

 

Besides form, my feelings extend to names to. I don't really have a given name, but I do like collecting names, I like it when people I've befriended name me. I remember being given a name while I was on Tey/vat, more specifically in Li/yue. I cherish it like someone might cherish gold. Hmm it had a really nice meaning to.

 

Now, I don't know much of how I feel about my personality. I suppose it's consistent enough to help differentiate me from others in my home realm, but at the end of the day we're technically one. Though, I ought to be unique to those who've gotten the chance to know me at least.

 

I could type all day about this, really. But I've always felt that all the countless worlds were simply dreamed up by the tree, and I'm just a lucid avatar created to visit and explore those worlds. Of course I could alter things but that wouldn't be very fun. I want to see and hear the stories of the inhabitants of these worlds, raw. And even if it seems I'm not there myself, I'm technically always present and a part of these worlds aren't I? Then technically I never actually left Tey/vat......I'm not going to be corny and say I'm in the sunbeams and baby's laughter or whatever.....or maybe I will. I'm in baby giggles and morning dew on blades of grass. I'm also in doggy doo. 🥺

 

But uhhhh, yeah I was talking about form or something. I suppose what I wanted to say is I just am. I am a fella with no real or true form. Saying it makes me feel so light and like a burden has been lifted off of my shoulders. I've spent years jumping from thinking I was a dragon, a kitsune, a bunny, and all sorts of creatures, things, and concepts. Not that there's any shame in that, I do like those forms/things. They're fun and I like playing around.......though I guess the only consistent part of any of my forms is my white coloring, pink eyes, third eye, and jade scales. Yippeee. 

 

Uhhhh, I don't know how to end this. Abrupt stopping point be upon you!

Last night I dreamt I was back in Li/yue for the Moon/chase festival and everybody insisted I joined them for a feast once again. They even boasted having a special guest, but I never saw them...I only speculated who it could've been. (Probably the one who shows up in my dreams most often.)

 

But this dream reminded me of a memory, so I thought I should write about it.

 

At the the time I remember, I didn't know very many people in Li/yue due to how illusive I was. It was around the time of the Moon/chase festival and the Traveler invited me to come enjoy the festivities if I wished to, he wasn't pushy about it. Very respectful of my boundaries, A+ for him.

 

I don't think I took part in much of anything except showing up for a meal. I didn't know anyone else at the table except for the Traveler (and Pai/mon), so I felt a little awkward at first. Might I say I felt like I would have shat myself if my body were capable of doing so. But everybody was nice and welcoming towards me, so that definitely put me at ease. Besides who I mentioned before, I think there were only 3 or 4 others at the table. I only remember Xiang/ling, who prepared the meal, and Madam P/ing. I also remember Guo/ba being there, and I will say he was warm and squishy and soft like mash potatoes. Seeing him approach me was just 😭. Very cute.

 

I don't remember what any conversations that went on during the time were about. I only remember that they were pleasant and the meal was delicious. By the end of it all, I didn't stick around the harbor for long, I went on my way out into the wilderness to enjoy some moon viewing. Though I didn't go alone, the Traveler and Pai/mon came along and let me just say....Pai/mon talks a lot. Would not shut her mouth, but it didn't bother me much because I thought she was entertaining. 

 

I find it funny how I had that dream I mentioned before in September of all months. Since moon viewing takes place near the end of this month, and Moon/chase is in the fall if I remember correctly. Maybe a part of me wants to enjoy the festival again. Or maybe somebody else wants me to. 

 

 

•September 17th

This came out much longer than I intended. I just wanted to keep writing and adding things, but uhh. My gay romantic write up, which is more about how my thoughts on love developed I guess? If there are typos I am sorry, this took me over 6 hours to write.

 

Love of the romantic type wasn't something I ever considered much while I was in my home world. Though I did fantasize about what it could be like, I knew of it but to know of something is different to actually experiencing it.

 

The oldest of the dragons did attempt to woo me into becoming one of his spouses one time. And by oldest I mean he was one of the first three beings to come about when our ancestor decided to create some friends, so all dragons descended from him pretty much. Our age gap is huge too, I'm talking a 270,000+ age gap but such a thing wasn't considered weird in my home. 

 

Of course I didn't accept his advances, but he was nice I won't lie. Marrying him probably would have been pleasant actually.

 

Anyhow. I don't think I understood how romantic relationships were supposed to work, nor did I think anyone else did around me. You could only do so much with an imported idea, the same with the idea of marriage. I once believed you married someone or a group of someones you wanted to spend forever with, like friends....but with extra special activities this time. Interpret that as you'd like. It didn't help that on rare occasions residents would marry outsiders, but only if the outsiders were A-okay with becoming immortal, so forever really is emphasized here. (There were a few times where immortality was refused, but I'm sure that ended totally well. For sure.)

 

In my time exploring Tey/vat, I never thought about falling in love. Not out of disinterest but I was just more fascinated with the world at the time. I couldn't say how long in took my fascination to turn elsewhere, but I could say when I became infatuated for the first time I became stupid.

 

When I met Xi/ao for the first time, it was purely on accident. I wanted to make it to the top balcony of Wang/shu inn so I could get a nice view of the area. Being people shy, I didn't want to get up there the normal way so I'm pretty sure I climbed my way up there using the big tree the inn is attached? to. (I didn't need to worry about falling since I could float, but it was still silly.) 

 

Making it to the top balcony was worth it but seeing someone already there was a little terrifying. Imagine some weirdo scaling an entire hotel just to chill on the balcony of your room. Xi/ao didn't say anything to me as far as I could remember, and I was to embarrassed to even say hi so I just stood there and tried to enjoy the view in awkward silence until he left. I climbed back down soon after that because I did not want him finding me there if he ever came back.

 

I definitely did show up from time to time just to enjoy the view, and I guess we just got used to each other after a while. (Of course I was made to use the stairs like everyone else after some time. Scariest thing really having someone see you be not normal and climbing their inn.) I'm surprised Xi/ao never told me to leave, and if he did I don't remember. But as my first real contact with a native of Tey/vat I thought his company was good, not talkative and we could just stand their in silence whenever we both happened to be there. 

 

I couldn't say when exactly we exchanged words for the first time or how I befriended him, or became romantically involved with him for that matter. I just know it took a long time, and I was smitten. I wasn't sure how to act and I don't think he did either. Publicly he never treated me any different, so I was a bit confused when he never held my hand or anything like that. Given that all the ideas of romance my homeworld acquired were of human customs, I think it checks out on why I was confused. Xi/ao didn't know that stuff since he isn't human himself, probably wasn't interested in it either?....though, privately he did indulge me. Even if he was out of his element, he was quite gentle with me and attentive. Maybe a tad too attentive, I could tell by the look in his eyes that he was treading softly, like I would break otherwise. Sweet, but I wasn't made of glass. lol hmm, I did and do love his hands though....or the way he uses them. (Not in a dirty way.....but I would not deny the other ways he did and could use them.)

 

It was awkward still since I was new to relationships, and I think Xi/ao preferred to show his affections in his own way. Like he would bring me things like rocks and flowers or made me stuff whenever it was possible for him, which I found endearing but it took a lot of adjusting on my part. The language I used wasn't befitting, as I only said what I did to him because I thought it was the right thing to say. That it was how couples spoke to each other. He was quite direct with me when he told me that I didn't belong to him and neither did he belong to me, so at that point I had to throw out all my mental scripts. Which left me unsure on how to proceed, how to speak to him....all that left me was speaking to him more as myself and using my own words.

 

Of course, we weren't in each other's face 24/7. Our meetings were actually quite sparse since Xi/ao saw his duty as top priority which I understood and never complained about or minded. So it gave me A LOT of free time to do whatever I wanted. When I think about it, it was rather nice. Being left to your own devices, meeting when you could and having those meetings feel more special because of that. I think shedding human notions of what it means to love another did me good, even if it might not seem right to outsiders it was right to us. Xi/ao's approach felt genuine on his part. He didn't seek for bondage or obsessive clinging, but a partnership between equals. And even if I still sought some form of touch, I always asked him if he were comfortable with it first and only initiated with his permission. All for the sake of boundaries.

 

Now I wouldn't say things didn't hurt ever. There were a few moments that did upset me or left me unsure of where I stood on some matters. 

 

I remember asking Xi/ao if he loved me out of the blue, and I did not expect to receive no as an answer. I could have nearly cried right then and there, but I knew his actions towards me would say otherwise and he wasn't mean by nature.....so I could only guess it comes down to his want to not use such a word to describe what we had. However he saw what was between us, I don't know.

 

There was also the case of him never involving me in his usual duties, despite my curiosity or want to help. Seeing the remnants of one of his battles for the first time came as a shock to me. Slaughter as well as the damage done to the vicinity made me fear him for his strength....and maybe a part of me still does. But his strength was also oddly reassuring though I wouldn't tell him that. If I ever were in trouble I could rely on him just as I would have wished for him to rely on me for things that I could do for him. Plus, I find the dichotomy between such destructiveness and the gentle nature he expresses in private kind of hmmm, heehee. Not being a weirdo about it, I genuinely think it endearing. He's just so endearing to me all around.

 

I'm still a sensitive being, but with Xi/ao I think I toughened up a little. He could be blunt with his words, and if it were anyone else I would have cried....but when he speaks to me. Criticizes me when it mattered, I felt it came from a place of care so why cry even when I felt a tightness in my chest? When I asked if he believed in me, he simply stated he didn't and that he knew I was already capable. I might prefer something as corny as the power of believing, but being told that I was already capable did something to me. I won't lie. Maybe he sensed something in me that I couldn't see for myself. Hmm.

 

As for other things, I wasn't the only one involved with him. Certainly, I guess I could call myself one of Xi/ao's confidants but seeing him confide in me on matters of his personal feelings was....awkward. It feels like a crime to even repeat it here, so I guess I won't but to see him want to get close to and pursue another as he's gotten close to me was surprising. I did feel inadequate at times, but to compare myself to the other party would have been criminal especially in Xi/ao's eyes I'm sure of that. The way he speaks to and treats the both of us was certainly tailored to our specific natures, so there wasn't special treatment or need for comparison. And I could at least be thankful, I couldn't push Xi/ao out of his ten million padlock high end security comfort zone myself. I give to much respect to his want to self isolate to an unhealthy degree and would have enabled him, so of course I'm thankful that the next guy nudged him a little bit. And nudged me too, I was not spared.......this set up is polyamory, isn't it??? 

 

Hmm, with all things considered and my understanding of the Xi/ao I know...I'm sure if I were to offer him immortality he would refuse it. I can not and will not own him, and I wouldn't dream of it anyway. Even if the idea of being with him forever would have made me happy, I think putting him through eternity would be inhumane and cruel. It would tear me apart to realize what I put him through if I were actually selfish, I'm sure of that. Seeing him start to value his own life more and open up a little, it was pleasant and new to me in the sense that I didn't know there were those who didn't value themselves beyond a certain purpose.

 

But....whenever his time is then I'm sure my acceptance of that and allowing him to pass with dignity would be true love and not whatever I used to fantasize about. I doubt I'd wish to move on and form other relationships after that, some part of me believes that if I wait a bit -even if I waited thousands of years- then I would find him again in some different form. But that's just the sappy part of me talking, I want to believe!

 

Now, being a soulbonder and all I do communicate with him. Though rarely. I think he would just like me to focus on my little venture here and whatever else I wish to do without feeling like I need to get back to him or anyone else in a hurry. This human body isn't mine I'm sure, and I guess I could leave whenever. It's not like I'm held captive here.....I just forgot how to leave, I don't know. But if he cares for me enough to want me to do what I desire most without feeling obligated to him, then I guess he really does love me.

 

----

 

I said my little gay write up would be gay and nasty. Well sorry I lied. I'm gatekeeping the nastiness. 🙄

 

For myself, a moon rabbit whom is said to formulate such an elixir by mortar and pestle, immortality is a non-physical state of the spirit or soul. Physical form is meant to naturally transform and change into different states. For without these changes there couldn't be physical life.

 

The immortality of the spirit, from the knowledge I have, is innate in all things. It just might take much rumination and inner development to realize such a thing.

 

I do not have everything figured out as of yet. Only a set of concepts and things that have played an integral part in my nonhuman-ness. Those being: The moon, stars, universe, dreams, and inner alchemy.

 

The moon, which is an integral part of my identity, is usually found to be connected to many long lived beings in myth and lore. i.e. The fae, huli jing, of course moon rabbits, etc. There is also "The waters of rejuvenation", which is said to be in the possession of the Shinto kamisama of the moon, Tsukuyomi no Mikoto.

 

As the moon naturally wanes, only to be reborn again as it waxes during the passing of nights. Such cyclical phenomena could be interpreted and understood by anyone to represent a reincarnation of sorts. But for I, I feel it connected to how a spirit develops even through eternity and yet remains itself. For even when the moon isn't visible it does not change the fact that it is still there.

 

Something eternal is often seen as unchanging. Yet, even non physical beings change and grow. Unlike the changes of corporeal form which develop due to environmental or biological factors, intangible beings develop through the continual acquirment of self knowledge and imagination. Which I connect back to dreams, figurative and literal. Without physical form to hinder oneself, an imaginal thought or act could transform the spirit if one wills it. 

 

Life as one knows it exists today because of the death and transformation of the stars within the known universe. Birth and death is usually considered the beginning and then the inevitable end of something, but I as a moon rabbit I do not see it this way. To me, birth and death are nothing more than descriptive words for entering and exiting a physical life. If one could look beyond that, birth and death don't really exist. They are simply the transfiguration of form. The same could be said of the death of a star, the star did not cease in any way, the parts of its visible form simply transformed into other forms of being and life.

 

Alchemy is the transformation of matter from one state to another, and we already know matter can not be created or destroyed. My kind understand this universe and all beyond it as eternal, always remaining itself yet in an infinite dance of becoming and unbecoming. Though, such words as infinite and eternal fail to describe it in whole. Such are the limits of language.

 

But how does this all connect back to non-physical immortality? I would be lying if I said I had all the answers. I do not, I am just a simple moon rabbit. However, I do do a lot of musing. And the occasional hmm-ing and ha-ing. By which I mean I think a little to much for my own good and find myself in an unending cycle of ruminations. From my hours of thinking and connecting dots the best I could, I have come to feel that my kind see the wider universe in all things. And as it is unending and eternally changing, so to do all things. Making all immortal in a way, different to the folkloric idea of immortality. 

 

As for identity and how eternal that is, one changes every day. There is never a time when one does not change in some way. As with the paradox with the ship of Theseus. If you were to change a part of yourself everyday until every part of you has changed, are you still you? Do you gaze upon photos of your child self and still identify with them despite how different you are now? Of course most would. Then I would question what is that thing within us that continues to recognize ourselves in things of passed time, despite the visible changes. It must be something of the invisible world. The imaginal, self knowledge, dreams, and so on. Some might see these things as unrelated but my feelings and definitions of these topics differ greatly.

 

Dreams and the imaginal are born from nothing. Besides the application of knowledge and ideas one learns from their time in life, the imagination requires not the matter that makes up physical things. Dreams and imagination, unlike physical reality, can do the unthinkable. Breath seeming life into myth, turn back time, and bring about a shift in things on a psychological level. Many associate imagination with the young, so is keeping in touch with the imagination a means of realizing innate immortality? Perhaps.

 

If matter is the endless grains of sand on the beach, then dreams are the means by which the sand takes shape into a myriad of castles and sculptures.

 

I have spoken much in this write up, and I have done a lot of speaking that might seem like nonsense. But I love speaking nonsense....or maybe my nonsense seems intelligible to you. There is still so much I could have talked about. Things that feel natural for me to know as a moon rabbit, and things I come to connect and weave bit by bit. 

 

On one final note, I will say this. People say life goes on without you after you are gone from their sight. But to me that isn't true. Life goes on because of you and all things. Your body nourishes more life to come, your memory lives on in those who cherished you, and the endless universe will always have a place for you. Nothing is ever destroyed, only transformed.