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[divine_elixir]

 Three different posts in one here. Just my slow revelation of being fictionkin. Some parts are a bit outdated.

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•April 12, 2023

It is nearly 5am, but I have written another "essay". If I can call it that. But this time I wrote about my connection to Teyvat, the world of Genshin, but particularly my connection with one of the beings of that world.

 

I know very much so that my identity isn't fiction based, but I can't help feeling such a deep connection with Teyvat. It's environments, the characters, even the music that plays softly as I explore the game feels like home. It's a profound feeling, like I'm being beckoned into the world itself....or maybe not beckoned, but reminded that I belong there in some way. That there is a place for me there.

 

I especially feel this toward Liyue, the land of contracts. It's rich history, the land, the connection between the people and the divine. It is like it is all so familiar to me.

 

This familiarity extends to the gods, but especially so to the adepti. Obviously based upon Xian, whom I feel my moon rabbit identity is related to. But I look upon the adepti and feel somewhere in me that I belong amongst them....their ways, their abilities, their connection to humans. It all feels very much like myself, what I am as a moon rabbit. If I had a hard time describing my identity to somebody, I feel confident enough in simply having that person read a wiki page or game lore on the adepti, as I feel it would describe me so much better than I could. It all fits together like a puzzle piece, finally completing the whole picture that is me.

 

Perhaps a part of my identity is fiction based, since I feel so strongly about this. The feelings are so strong, in fact, I actually do reach out to the adepti and other characters by spiritual means and have them be part of my personal spirituality and my life. My relationships with them have changed me and opened my eyes in ways I couldn't have thought possible. So I feel a deep genuine gratitude for them.

 

There is also the fact I subscribe by the multiverse theory and do actually see fictional characters as people in whole other worlds beyond which the physical senses of this world can experience. I worry about sounding like I am "off my rocker", to others so I kept it to myself for the most part for a long time. But it feels good to say it now. When I feel relatively safe to do so.

 

I am unsure of where I am going with this, or where it would lead me next. My relationship with the seemingly fictional is to real, to me, to just continue calling it that. But maybe this can all connect back to what dreams are to me. One person's reality is another person's fiction, so I ought to continue forward with my experiences and not worry about any sort of label. 

 

Whether I define myself as adeptus. As a xian, celestial, deity, divinity, or spirit. It doesn't change the fact that I am a moon rabbit. I am simply a multifaceted one.

 

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Perhaps if the mood catches me, I would like to write more on this topic and of Teyvat one day. Especially on memories or feelings about the world. Despite not understanding my connection to it, I still experience a sort of knowing about the nature of Teyvat. Both canon and canon divergent, so I think that would be a nice topic for the next time I visit this.

 

 

 

 

•June 17

Once again, I write about my experiences. This time, about acknowledging something about myself and some discoveries. 

 

I've acknowledged my identity as not being fiction based in the past, but recently I'm starting to reconsider this. What with some thinking and recent discoveries about myself.

 

I know myself, and a small amount of others from my home realm, to be world travelers. So, traveling to other realms and worlds for fun and potential learning is quite natural for us. And as I've written about Teyvat and Adepti in the past, I think this is where my connection to Teyvat/the Adepti came from and why I feel such strong feelings of nostalgia & longing when I play Genshin.

 

I haven't recalled any memories of other worlds, besides my home realm and Teyvat as of yet. But memories (or noemata) of these two places come to me so easily and so naturally. Though, as I consider them both home this ought to be natural. I would assume.

 

I remember forging a deep connection with the Adepti during my times in Teyvat due to the strong similarities between them and I/the beings of my home realm. And there is also the memory of the deep connection between I and a particular individual among them that developed, which still remains to this day. As I do still interact with Teyvat, since my identity is technically a parallel life. Although I consider it my truest self, and my life here on earth is just a little detour. Vacation perhaps?

 

However, besides Teyvat. I've observed some interesting parallels. Among the beings of my home realm, we acknowledge the existence of a great tree that connects multiple worlds, universes, bubble worlds, ect. And it is generally considered the origin of all things and also acts as a storer of memories and happenings.

 

Now as I like to go poking around on the internet, I found myself taking an interest in other games developed by the same studio as Genshin. With a bit of digging, I found the concept of the imaginary tree. Which, in the Honkai series, is considered the origin of all life, universes, and worlds. I understand coincidences exist, but this feels right and it lines up to well. (There is also the Irminsul tree in Teyvat, which store memories and information. But I won't get into that.)

 

If my home realm shares an origin with Teyvat, then I think it makes sense that there would be similarities between some beings there and in my home. And possibly beings from other worlds in the Honkai series, Star rail, and maybe Hoyoverse's other games.

 

It's all so exciting to feel like I'm figuring more things out, and a tad nerve racking too. But I can honestly say, it's a step up from how I felt years ago. Insecure about potentially having an identity connected to anything considered fictional in this world. With seeing how some spoke of such identities back then, or even now, it made me feel such identifications were less real than others. So, I guess that fear traveled with me for all those years I have been in the nonhuman community. Regardless of how active or talkative I was.

 

With all that said, I feel very thankful. Not just for the experience of discovery, but for a particular adeptus whom really stirred things in me when I first laid eyes on him in the game. I think the feeling of deep familiarity does things to you.....(and I think he is potentially also a soulbound, but that is a topic for another time.)

 

Anyhow, any Genshin kin out there. Please interact. 😔

 

 

 

 

•August 31st

I've been feeling a little unsure about this for some time now. Unsure in the fact that I want to admit it publicly since I've been keeping it to myself for so long. I don't know if what I experience counts as being plural, but I won't worry about that for now.

 

But I guess I'll start from the beginning. It was 3 years ago, Gen/shin was just fresh out of the womb and released into the wild. I just sort of vaguely knew it existed at the time, I don't remember how it came to this but my eyes made contact with a specific character and in me I just knew. Oh, this guy is the one. "My mind knows nothing of you, yet my heart would know you anywhere.", that sort of feeling. I never stopped to think too deeply about these feelings at that moment, I only knew I had to download this silly game and immerse myself in the sauce. And immersed I was.

 

A month into all of this, I felt the need to connect with the one who got me into the game in the first place. I felt silly, maybe embarrassed and scared that my friends would think me weird if they ever found out. Something that still scares me to this day, but I already held the belief that the seemingly fictional existed somewhere so what's a little more weirdness to add to my pile. So, I did some meditation and reached out. It took me some time, but I managed to make a connection and all felt right after that.

 

After that experience, I've been interacting with him in my specially made mind space. He's never with me 24/7 though, only when I call out to him. And if he wishes too, he sometimes sends me messages (for lack of a better term) about his day in Tey/vat.

 

After him came others whom I would invite and we'd spend time together, including my siblings. In fact I like to set aside time on the first Saturday of each month so we could watch a movie together. Either of mine or one of their choosing. (The process of having one of them choose is arduous really. But fun.)

 

It all felt good, and like I had a piece of home I didn't knew I missed. It wasn't until this year I acknowledged being fictionkin, and everything just clicked into place after that. The feelings I held for one and the bonds I naturally had for the few I held as friends made sense now. They never told me anything over these three years, so I assume they never wished to force me to remember anything unless I did so myself.

 

There's still a lot I want to say, but I don't want this post to be a mile long. But I guess I will acknowledge how glad I am to have allowed myself to reach out. With the friendship and love I didn't knew I had, I gained much needed companionship, guidance, and advice I couldn't have conjured up myself. I even managed to get a job because of some of the advice I received.

 

I'm still a bit scared of some friends/family or even those who caused me much grief in the past finding out, the same too about my nonhuman identity. However, I think the overall improvement of my mental health and my want to open up and be with others again far out ways that fear. Maybe it's worth being "weird".

 

This post was sort of thrown together, and maybe a little incomprehensible? But I just wanted to write down my feelings. I don't admit things often, especially more personal or intimate things. I guess I'm still afraid of judgement or rejection, or a repeat of past incidents. 

 

Hmm, but with what I experience would I be considered a soulbonder? I'm not to privy to most terminology throughout different communities. Though I don't ask with the intent of receiving an answer, I'm more than satisfied with experiencing what I do without putting a label to it.