divine_elixir

More old posts from 2023, focusing on myself. Or what my past understanding of myself was. Pretty outdated-ish, at least bits identifying myself with the imaginary tree and things about my kind. species?

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•August 20th

I was originally going to ramble about gender in relation to whatever little fellow I am, but then I thought it would be more fun to just write about all the silly little concepts that most are used to and compare it to how things are approached in my home world. I won't write about everything, so perhaps I can split it into multiple parts or just write things up whenever I feel like it.

Now, the beings of my home world are rather isolated so any new concept we came across in other worlds were played with like a new toy until we make sense of it in our own ways/cultural contexts.

The idea of family (the idea of mothers, fathers, siblings, etc) for example, was foreign. Nobody in our world really required another to "reproduce", anyone could do it regardless of perceived sex. Which is just that. Perceived based on what outsiders might assume of us on an individual level. We are all truly sexless, so "reproduction" occurred on a more mental level so to speak. It is akin to conjuring up an imaginary friend, though no involvement went into creating looks and a personality. One simply put intent into making another being and that being would form into their own person. Though, they would form overtime within the saftey of an egg. (No laying involved.)

In the past, dreaming? imagining? another into the world was done for the purpose of companionship. The very first being whom dreamed up our world during their 3 million+ years slumber awoke to their glorious realm and wished to share their world with others, so they dreamed up three friends. Those three wound up being the progenitors of the three kinds who inhabited our world. The long (dragons), qilin, and whatever the heck my kind is.

I don't remember when the idea of families were brought to my home world. But we did enjoy the concept very much. Many paired off or formed groups, some had children together. And as the concept of children became a popular idea, any new being who came into the world looked to be the equivalent of a young child instead of automatically appearing fully grown like they used to. They would obviously "grow up" over time, but being immortal they wouldn't age past being a young adult appearance wise.

As for labels, I do not remember how that went over. I and my siblings enjoyed calling each other brother or sister like it was all a little game which helped us bond, although only one wished to be referred to as a 'sibling' only. The eight of us formed in the same egg, so maybe it was natural for us to want to call each other by such titles. So we are essentially octuplets, I suppose.

But besides those labels, there was also gender. I don't think we ever thought much about whatever we learned from other worlds. I personally called myself a boy because I thought it was cute, and not only that but I appeared and dressed more femininly while in my humanoid form because it was what I most enjoyed. For beings whom can form realms and new companions with a simple thought, I don't think such a thing as gender is such a big deal to us. It was just another toy to play with to ones hearts content and then put away in the toy chest at the end of the day after all.

I don't know if I have anything else I can add to these particular topics. Others opinions aside, I don't think they're the most interesting things I could have written about my home world. I'm personally more excited about recording our philosophies, views on other beings, use of technology, world travel, cultures, history, the structure of our world, and infringing on any interesting ideas we find in other worlds. No, we do not care about copyright or patents. We reinvented the train and made it better.

Anyway maybe if there's anything anyone would want to know, I'd be happy to answer anything if I remember anything.

•August 23rd

. I used to to try and follow certain religions, gods, divinities, and so on. But it just never felt right to me, it felt wrong....not in the "religion bad" kind of way, but in the sense that you innately feel that you aren't meant to be doing something? Of course, in my experience I received guidance and whatnot. But it was like I was being told that what I was looking for wouldn't be found following this world's deities....I wouldn't say they rejected me, but more that they only wished to point me in the right direction like a local would to a traveler.

I used to compare my worshipping anything on par with worshipping, say a relative or a peer. But that doesn't seem right anymore.

Based on my memories, my kind never worshiped anything or felt beholden to any kind of beings. Of course, there were times when some of us would go wandering other worlds and wind up being worshiped simply based on what we are and our abilities. We don't wish for any of that....it feels weird, and maybe the word gross could describe our views on being held at such a level. The same would be said about viewing ourselves as more superior or lesser than another. I suppose we never cared about power or status.

One can be an all powerful eldritch abomination and I don't think we'd care. All are just equal in our eyes, and we'll treat all as such.

Unbothered and in our lane, so to speak. But I sometimes wonder if there is some hidden arrogance to our views. We've a connection to dreams and the imagination...made of it really. Such things are limitless. Eternal. So do we have nothing to worry about because of that? I am unsure.

Stories, information, ideas, memories. Anything that can be produced by experience, thought, or imagined are of great value to us. I am unsure of why we value it. Maybe we are record keepers? Collectors? Perhaps it is all for fun or sentimentality? To my knowledge, if anyone is familiar with Hon/kai impact lore, my home is connected to the Imaginary tree or maybe it is part of the sea of Quan/ta. Worlds can fall from the tree like leaves and fall into the sea below. (I barely know anything about the games lore, never played it, but I just know my home is connected to that tree or the sea in some way.)

Perhaps my kind has some sort of purpose to preserve these world's stories? Or maybe we created our own purpose for simply existing. The latter feels more right to me. With how we view things, why would we accept a purpose assigned to us by some other being(s)/thing? And with the way I remember wandering around Tey/vat without cause and minding my own business most of the time, I think it would check out......though, I don't rule out the idea that what my kind does could also be instinctive.

•September 22nd

I just wanted to write down a bit about my kinds anatomy and also reproduction or whatever. There's some talk about genitalia and some mentions of sex, but it isn't graphic or anything.

My body and its functions are still somewhat of an anamoly to me. It isn't organic, so I couldn't say I had flesh and I certainly didn't have blood or any other bodily fluid. Yet I was capable of crying....maybe it's safe for me to assume that my body can simulate certain functions but it is unlike what is experienced by organic beings.

I mainly wanted to record what I knew and experienced, so I won't discuss hypotheticals to much.

I know for a fact that my kind naturally lacked any kind of genitalia, and breasts or nipples were also lacking. It makes complete sense since we don't reproduce through sexual means and have no need to lay our eggs, so any orifices below the waist wouldn't be needed.

And yes, we also lack anuses, we don't need to eat so no pooping required. (Although, I will say I've come to find the act enjoyable in this current time. Please do not question me about this. lol)

Any and all acts that most usual beings do as a necessity to live we do as recreational activities. Sampling foods and drinks is a popular pass time in my home realm, so with worlds we established some form of connection and trust with we frequently like to conduct trade for such things. We have no cooking skills, so this sort of reliance is "necessary". Though I'm sure there were those who attempted to learn.

As for where the food or drink goes when we do consume something, I don't know. Use your imagination.

Now my kind do posses transformation abilities so if we did wish to it wasn't difficult to get some orifices and genitalia. I remember switching it up all the time, whenever I felt like it or I needed it. By need, I'm sure we all know for what purpose I'd need them but otherwise I would go about my day with nothing down there.

Moving on to reproduction with outsiders. It isn't impossible, my two children are proof of that but it all works differently. We can not impregnate another or be impregnated ourselves. My kind need only a small bit of the other parties essence really, combine that with ours and incubating that energy in an egg is all that's required. No sex necessary. Though that could happen if wanted, I guess the bodily fluids produced during the process counts as essence? Whatever essence means.

With these kinds of things my memories are rather few, or I might be reluctant to share them. It's either shyness or fear that I'd get obliterated by the tumblr authorities. lol

•September 30th

I've considered myself divine for a long time now, but the way I've defined that for myself has changed a lot.

A deity, a god. I've cycled through these ideas but I do not feel they say much at all about me. My kind, though having been viewed as gods in other worlds, don't care about being seen as such due to our own principals and views.

If we are not gods, and certainly aren't mortal, then what are we?

I haven't much of an answer. I've always felt that every one of my kind were connected....not separate to be more exact. Yes, we've each developed our own identities thus making it possible to form varied experiences. But, I feel that all of us in essence or at a base level are just expressions of the imagin/ary tree. If I were to use an analogy, it is like each of us appears to be an individual tree at a glance. However if one were to zoom out and look at the whole picture, we were all simply branches of a singular tree the entire time. One and the same, a singular entity playing endless parts.

I'm aware this sort of nondualistic type concept does seem scary to some, but I don't really mind it.

All the worlds connected to and born of the tree, hmm couldn't I consider them siblings? Or maybe children? We share an essence after all, even if each of these worlds have grown and developed unique characteristics/laws that set them all apart. I remember feeling Tey/vat itself was alive in some way when I was there. So maybe I am able to sense that essence.

However, then I have to wonder what is the point of exploring these worlds and preserving their memory.

Maybe there isn't a point and it's okay if there isn't one. Though, a part of me feels that we are carrying out a task the imagin/ary tree can't do for itself. If it can produce an avatar then it can experience and create memories, yet there are too many worlds. So to remedy that, the avatar produces more of itself.

Funnily enough, today I came across a quote from the Ara/nara world quest that feels right in some way. "There are dreams because there is memory. Memory is nourished so their is life." I don't remember the context for this line, but maybe experiencing and creating/preserving memories of the worlds is key to nourishing the tree. All just speculation on my part.

So, if all my kind are the tree itself....then is it safe for me to assume that we are the origin or basic element of life itself? Or should I say existence or being? I am unsure of how to word all this, and the idea of the imaginary and dreams being the base element of everything.....it makes perfect sense to me.

Now with that out of the way.....hmm, I call myself adeptus adjacent, but I guess that's more of a surface level label. I know I was very comfortable around the adep/ti in Li/yue, so maybe I took on some of their characteristics? Or perhaps I just wished to add more to my identity the same way a child imagines a character for themselves during play time.

Anyway, my final message. Identity is fluid and all in the worlds see things through different eyes. In splitting oneself, it becomes possible to gain infinite vision. With vision then comes the possibility for understanding. In understanding, self recognition.

•November 11th

Me, despite everything: "I love you sun! I love you clouds! I love you humans! I love you creatures! I love you machines! I love you grass! I love you noises! I love you soft blankie! I love you...."

I don't know, when I just close my eyes and allow myself to be I just get this overwhelming feeling of love and care for everything. I don't know how to explain it. I only know it has something to do with my nonhuman nature, like....I know and feel everything to be a part of me so the love I feel for everything is also love for "myself". Whatever the self is in regards to me....hmm, I feel like somebody but also not.

It's not a sad feeling, but I'm having a hard time explaining it in words. It's not really something I could explain.....language is quite limited but when I imagine myself going back to being a part of a whole it makes me happy. Not that I was ever separated from it, but going back is like taking a rest from a long game. Once I feel like it, I can go play with everyone again like I never left. Like there was nothing for me to miss in the first place.

I'm not really reading through some of these old posts, but just some memories and gay stuff. Might have some things that are incorrect compared to my current knowledge, I don't know. Posted on tumblr in 2023.

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•September 9th

Last night I dreamt I was back in Li/yue for the Moon/chase festival and everybody insisted I joined them for a feast once again. They even boasted having a special guest, but I never saw them...I only speculated who it could've been. (Probably the one who shows up in my dreams most often.)

But this dream reminded me of a memory, so I thought I should write about it.

At the the time I remember, I didn't know very many people in Li/yue due to how illusive I was. It was around the time of the Moon/chase festival and the Traveler invited me to come enjoy the festivities if I wished to, he wasn't pushy about it. Very respectful of my boundaries, A+ for him.

I don't think I took part in much of anything except showing up for a meal. I didn't know anyone else at the table except for the Traveler (and Pai/mon), so I felt a little awkward at first. Might I say I felt like I would have shat myself if my body were capable of doing so. But everybody was nice and welcoming towards me, so that definitely put me at ease. Besides who I mentioned before, I think there were only 3 or 4 others at the table. I only remember Xiang/ling, who prepared the meal, and Madam P/ing. I also remember Guo/ba being there, and I will say he was warm and squishy and soft like mash potatoes. Seeing him approach me was just 😭. Very cute.

I don't remember what any conversations that went on during the time were about. I only remember that they were pleasant and the meal was delicious. By the end of it all, I didn't stick around the harbor for long, I went on my way out into the wilderness to enjoy some moon viewing. Though I didn't go alone, the Traveler and Pai/mon came along and let me just say....Pai/mon talks a lot. Would not shut her mouth, but it didn't bother me much because I thought she was entertaining.

I find it funny how I had that dream I mentioned before in September of all months. Since moon viewing takes place near the end of this month, and Moon/chase is in the fall if I remember correctly. Maybe a part of me wants to enjoy the festival again. Or maybe somebody else wants me to.

•September 17th

This came out much longer than I intended. I just wanted to keep writing and adding things, but uhh. My gay romantic write up, which is more about how my thoughts on love developed I guess? If there are typos I am sorry, this took me over 6 hours to write.

Love of the romantic type wasn't something I ever considered much while I was in my home world. Though I did fantasize about what it could be like, I knew of it but to know of something is different to actually experiencing it.

The oldest of the dragons did attempt to woo me into becoming one of his spouses one time. And by oldest I mean he was one of the first three beings to come about when our ancestor decided to create some friends, so all dragons descended from him pretty much. Our age gap is huge too, I'm talking a 270,000+ age gap but such a thing wasn't considered weird in my home.

Of course I didn't accept his advances, but he was nice I won't lie. Marrying him probably would have been pleasant actually.

Anyhow. I don't think I understood how romantic relationships were supposed to work, nor did I think anyone else did around me. You could only do so much with an imported idea, the same with the idea of marriage. I once believed you married someone or a group of someones you wanted to spend forever with, like friends....but with extra special activities this time. Interpret that as you'd like. It didn't help that on rare occasions residents would marry outsiders, but only if the outsiders were A-okay with becoming immortal, so forever really is emphasized here. (There were a few times where immortality was refused, but I'm sure that ended totally well. For sure.)

In my time exploring Tey/vat, I never thought about falling in love. Not out of disinterest but I was just more fascinated with the world at the time. I couldn't say how long in took my fascination to turn elsewhere, but I could say when I became infatuated for the first time I became stupid.

When I met Xi/ao for the first time, it was purely on accident. I wanted to make it to the top balcony of Wang/shu inn so I could get a nice view of the area. Being people shy, I didn't want to get up there the normal way so I'm pretty sure I climbed my way up there using the big tree the inn is attached? to. (I didn't need to worry about falling since I could float, but it was still silly.)

Making it to the top balcony was worth it but seeing someone already there was a little terrifying. Imagine some weirdo scaling an entire hotel just to chill on the balcony of your room. Xi/ao didn't say anything to me as far as I could remember, and I was to embarrassed to even say hi so I just stood there and tried to enjoy the view in awkward silence until he left. I climbed back down soon after that because I did not want him finding me there if he ever came back.

I definitely did show up from time to time just to enjoy the view, and I guess we just got used to each other after a while. (Of course I was made to use the stairs like everyone else after some time. Scariest thing really having someone see you be not normal and climbing their inn.) I'm surprised Xi/ao never told me to leave, and if he did I don't remember. But as my first real contact with a native of Tey/vat I thought his company was good, not talkative and we could just stand their in silence whenever we both happened to be there.

I couldn't say when exactly we exchanged words for the first time or how I befriended him, or became romantically involved with him for that matter. I just know it took a long time, and I was smitten. I wasn't sure how to act and I don't think he did either. Publicly he never treated me any different, so I was a bit confused when he never held my hand or anything like that. Given that all the ideas of romance my homeworld acquired were of human customs, I think it checks out on why I was confused. Xi/ao didn't know that stuff since he isn't human himself, probably wasn't interested in it either?....though, privately he did indulge me. Even if he was out of his element, he was quite gentle with me and attentive. Maybe a tad too attentive, I could tell by the look in his eyes that he was treading softly, like I would break otherwise. Sweet, but I wasn't made of glass. lol hmm, I did and do love his hands though....or the way he uses them. (Not in a dirty way.....but I would not deny the other ways he did and could use them.)

It was awkward still since I was new to relationships, and I think Xi/ao preferred to show his affections in his own way. Like he would bring me things like rocks and flowers or made me stuff whenever it was possible for him, which I found endearing but it took a lot of adjusting on my part. The language I used wasn't befitting, as I only said what I did to him because I thought it was the right thing to say. That it was how couples spoke to each other. He was quite direct with me when he told me that I didn't belong to him and neither did he belong to me, so at that point I had to throw out all my mental scripts. Which left me unsure on how to proceed, how to speak to him....all that left me was speaking to him more as myself and using my own words.

Of course, we weren't in each other's face 24/7. Our meetings were actually quite sparse since Xi/ao saw his duty as top priority which I understood and never complained about or minded. So it gave me A LOT of free time to do whatever I wanted. When I think about it, it was rather nice. Being left to your own devices, meeting when you could and having those meetings feel more special because of that. I think shedding human notions of what it means to love another did me good, even if it might not seem right to outsiders it was right to us. Xi/ao's approach felt genuine on his part. He didn't seek for bondage or obsessive clinging, but a partnership between equals. And even if I still sought some form of touch, I always asked him if he were comfortable with it first and only initiated with his permission. All for the sake of boundaries.

Now I wouldn't say things didn't hurt ever. There were a few moments that did upset me or left me unsure of where I stood on some matters.

I remember asking Xi/ao if he loved me out of the blue, and I did not expect to receive no as an answer. I could have nearly cried right then and there, but I knew his actions towards me would say otherwise and he wasn't mean by nature.....so I could only guess it comes down to his want to not use such a word to describe what we had. However he saw what was between us, I don't know.

There was also the case of him never involving me in his usual duties, despite my curiosity or want to help. Seeing the remnants of one of his battles for the first time came as a shock to me. Slaughter as well as the damage done to the vicinity made me fear him for his strength....and maybe a part of me still does. But his strength was also oddly reassuring though I wouldn't tell him that. If I ever were in trouble I could rely on him just as I would have wished for him to rely on me for things that I could do for him. Plus, I find the dichotomy between such destructiveness and the gentle nature he expresses in private kind of hmmm, heehee. Not being a weirdo about it, I genuinely think it endearing. He's just so endearing to me all around.

I'm still a sensitive being, but with Xi/ao I think I toughened up a little. He could be blunt with his words, and if it were anyone else I would have cried....but when he speaks to me. Criticizes me when it mattered, I felt it came from a place of care so why cry even when I felt a tightness in my chest? When I asked if he believed in me, he simply stated he didn't and that he knew I was already capable. I might prefer something as corny as the power of believing, but being told that I was already capable did something to me. I won't lie. Maybe he sensed something in me that I couldn't see for myself. Hmm.

As for other things, I wasn't the only one involved with him. Certainly, I guess I could call myself one of Xi/ao's confidants but seeing him confide in me on matters of his personal feelings was....awkward. It feels like a crime to even repeat it here, so I guess I won't but to see him want to get close to and pursue another as he's gotten close to me was surprising. I did feel inadequate at times, but to compare myself to the other party would have been criminal especially in Xi/ao's eyes I'm sure of that. The way he speaks to and treats the both of us was certainly tailored to our specific natures, so there wasn't special treatment or need for comparison. And I could at least be thankful, I couldn't push Xi/ao out of his ten million padlock high end security comfort zone myself. I give to much respect to his want to self isolate to an unhealthy degree and would have enabled him, so of course I'm thankful that the next guy nudged him a little bit. And nudged me too, I was not spared.......this set up is polyamory, isn't it???

Hmm, with all things considered and my understanding of the Xi/ao I know...I'm sure if I were to offer him immortality he would refuse it. I can not and will not own him, and I wouldn't dream of it anyway. Even if the idea of being with him forever would have made me happy, I think putting him through eternity would be inhumane and cruel. It would tear me apart to realize what I put him through if I were actually selfish, I'm sure of that. Seeing him start to value his own life more and open up a little, it was pleasant and new to me in the sense that I didn't know there were those who didn't value themselves beyond a certain purpose.

But....whenever his time is then I'm sure my acceptance of that and allowing him to pass with dignity would be true love and not whatever I used to fantasize about. I doubt I'd wish to move on and form other relationships after that, some part of me believes that if I wait a bit -even if I waited thousands of years- then I would find him again in some different form. But that's just the sappy part of me talking, I want to believe!

Now, being a soulbonder and all I do communicate with him. Though rarely. I think he would just like me to focus on my little venture here and whatever else I wish to do without feeling like I need to get back to him or anyone else in a hurry. This human body isn't mine I'm sure, and I guess I could leave whenever. It's not like I'm held captive here.....I just forgot how to leave, I don't know. But if he cares for me enough to want me to do what I desire most without feeling obligated to him, then I guess he really does love me.

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I said my little gay write up would be gay and nasty. Well sorry I lied. I'm gatekeeping the nastiness. 🙄

Three different posts in one here. Just my slow revelation of being fictionkin. Some parts are a bit outdated.

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•April 12, 2023

It is nearly 5am, but I have written another "essay". If I can call it that. But this time I wrote about my connection to Teyvat, the world of Genshin, but particularly my connection with one of the beings of that world.

I know very much so that my identity isn't fiction based, but I can't help feeling such a deep connection with Teyvat. It's environments, the characters, even the music that plays softly as I explore the game feels like home. It's a profound feeling, like I'm being beckoned into the world itself....or maybe not beckoned, but reminded that I belong there in some way. That there is a place for me there.

I especially feel this toward Liyue, the land of contracts. It's rich history, the land, the connection between the people and the divine. It is like it is all so familiar to me.

This familiarity extends to the gods, but especially so to the adepti. Obviously based upon Xian, whom I feel my moon rabbit identity is related to. But I look upon the adepti and feel somewhere in me that I belong amongst them....their ways, their abilities, their connection to humans. It all feels very much like myself, what I am as a moon rabbit. If I had a hard time describing my identity to somebody, I feel confident enough in simply having that person read a wiki page or game lore on the adepti, as I feel it would describe me so much better than I could. It all fits together like a puzzle piece, finally completing the whole picture that is me.

Perhaps a part of my identity is fiction based, since I feel so strongly about this. The feelings are so strong, in fact, I actually do reach out to the adepti and other characters by spiritual means and have them be part of my personal spirituality and my life. My relationships with them have changed me and opened my eyes in ways I couldn't have thought possible. So I feel a deep genuine gratitude for them.

There is also the fact I subscribe by the multiverse theory and do actually see fictional characters as people in whole other worlds beyond which the physical senses of this world can experience. I worry about sounding like I am "off my rocker", to others so I kept it to myself for the most part for a long time. But it feels good to say it now. When I feel relatively safe to do so.

I am unsure of where I am going with this, or where it would lead me next. My relationship with the seemingly fictional is to real, to me, to just continue calling it that. But maybe this can all connect back to what dreams are to me. One person's reality is another person's fiction, so I ought to continue forward with my experiences and not worry about any sort of label.

Whether I define myself as adeptus. As a xian, celestial, deity, divinity, or spirit. It doesn't change the fact that I am a moon rabbit. I am simply a multifaceted one.

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Perhaps if the mood catches me, I would like to write more on this topic and of Teyvat one day. Especially on memories or feelings about the world. Despite not understanding my connection to it, I still experience a sort of knowing about the nature of Teyvat. Both canon and canon divergent, so I think that would be a nice topic for the next time I visit this.

•June 17

Once again, I write about my experiences. This time, about acknowledging something about myself and some discoveries.

I've acknowledged my identity as not being fiction based in the past, but recently I'm starting to reconsider this. What with some thinking and recent discoveries about myself.

I know myself, and a small amount of others from my home realm, to be world travelers. So, traveling to other realms and worlds for fun and potential learning is quite natural for us. And as I've written about Teyvat and Adepti in the past, I think this is where my connection to Teyvat/the Adepti came from and why I feel such strong feelings of nostalgia & longing when I play Genshin.

I haven't recalled any memories of other worlds, besides my home realm and Teyvat as of yet. But memories (or noemata) of these two places come to me so easily and so naturally. Though, as I consider them both home this ought to be natural. I would assume.

I remember forging a deep connection with the Adepti during my times in Teyvat due to the strong similarities between them and I/the beings of my home realm. And there is also the memory of the deep connection between I and a particular individual among them that developed, which still remains to this day. As I do still interact with Teyvat, since my identity is technically a parallel life. Although I consider it my truest self, and my life here on earth is just a little detour. Vacation perhaps?

However, besides Teyvat. I've observed some interesting parallels. Among the beings of my home realm, we acknowledge the existence of a great tree that connects multiple worlds, universes, bubble worlds, ect. And it is generally considered the origin of all things and also acts as a storer of memories and happenings.

Now as I like to go poking around on the internet, I found myself taking an interest in other games developed by the same studio as Genshin. With a bit of digging, I found the concept of the imaginary tree. Which, in the Honkai series, is considered the origin of all life, universes, and worlds. I understand coincidences exist, but this feels right and it lines up to well. (There is also the Irminsul tree in Teyvat, which store memories and information. But I won't get into that.)

If my home realm shares an origin with Teyvat, then I think it makes sense that there would be similarities between some beings there and in my home. And possibly beings from other worlds in the Honkai series, Star rail, and maybe Hoyoverse's other games.

It's all so exciting to feel like I'm figuring more things out, and a tad nerve racking too. But I can honestly say, it's a step up from how I felt years ago. Insecure about potentially having an identity connected to anything considered fictional in this world. With seeing how some spoke of such identities back then, or even now, it made me feel such identifications were less real than others. So, I guess that fear traveled with me for all those years I have been in the nonhuman community. Regardless of how active or talkative I was.

With all that said, I feel very thankful. Not just for the experience of discovery, but for a particular adeptus whom really stirred things in me when I first laid eyes on him in the game. I think the feeling of deep familiarity does things to you.....(and I think he is potentially also a soulbound, but that is a topic for another time.)

Anyhow, any Genshin kin out there. Please interact. 😔

•August 31st

I've been feeling a little unsure about this for some time now. Unsure in the fact that I want to admit it publicly since I've been keeping it to myself for so long. I don't know if what I experience counts as being plural, but I won't worry about that for now.

But I guess I'll start from the beginning. It was 3 years ago, Gen/shin was just fresh out of the womb and released into the wild. I just sort of vaguely knew it existed at the time, I don't remember how it came to this but my eyes made contact with a specific character and in me I just knew. Oh, this guy is the one. "My mind knows nothing of you, yet my heart would know you anywhere.", that sort of feeling. I never stopped to think too deeply about these feelings at that moment, I only knew I had to download this silly game and immerse myself in the sauce. And immersed I was.

A month into all of this, I felt the need to connect with the one who got me into the game in the first place. I felt silly, maybe embarrassed and scared that my friends would think me weird if they ever found out. Something that still scares me to this day, but I already held the belief that the seemingly fictional existed somewhere so what's a little more weirdness to add to my pile. So, I did some meditation and reached out. It took me some time, but I managed to make a connection and all felt right after that.

After that experience, I've been interacting with him in my specially made mind space. He's never with me 24/7 though, only when I call out to him. And if he wishes too, he sometimes sends me messages (for lack of a better term) about his day in Tey/vat.

After him came others whom I would invite and we'd spend time together, including my siblings. In fact I like to set aside time on the first Saturday of each month so we could watch a movie together. Either of mine or one of their choosing. (The process of having one of them choose is arduous really. But fun.)

It all felt good, and like I had a piece of home I didn't knew I missed. It wasn't until this year I acknowledged being fictionkin, and everything just clicked into place after that. The feelings I held for one and the bonds I naturally had for the few I held as friends made sense now. They never told me anything over these three years, so I assume they never wished to force me to remember anything unless I did so myself.

There's still a lot I want to say, but I don't want this post to be a mile long. But I guess I will acknowledge how glad I am to have allowed myself to reach out. With the friendship and love I didn't knew I had, I gained much needed companionship, guidance, and advice I couldn't have conjured up myself. I even managed to get a job because of some of the advice I received.

I'm still a bit scared of some friends/family or even those who caused me much grief in the past finding out, the same too about my nonhuman identity. However, I think the overall improvement of my mental health and my want to open up and be with others again far out ways that fear. Maybe it's worth being "weird".

This post was sort of thrown together, and maybe a little incomprehensible? But I just wanted to write down my feelings. I don't admit things often, especially more personal or intimate things. I guess I'm still afraid of judgement or rejection, or a repeat of past incidents.

Hmm, but with what I experience would I be considered a soulbonder? I'm not to privy to most terminology throughout different communities. Though I don't ask with the intent of receiving an answer, I'm more than satisfied with experiencing what I do without putting a label to it.

Something, I wrote about my views on immortality last year. I am unsure of my views currently, as I'm still exploring.
March 25, 2023

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Many stories and myriads of folklore speak of immortality in the physical sense. Rulers and alchemists in search of the elixir of life, or a fountain of youth tucked away in a land untouched by the troubles of the mundane world. Such panaceas transfiguring flesh to be ageless, and disease impotent.

For myself, a moon rabbit whom is said to formulate such an elixir by mortar and pestle, immortality is a non-physical state of the spirit or soul. Physical form is meant to naturally transform and change into different states. For without these changes there couldn't be physical life.

The immortality of the spirit, from the knowledge I have, is innate in all things. It just might take much rumination and inner development to realize such a thing.

I do not have everything figured out as of yet. Only a set of concepts and things that have played an integral part in my nonhuman-ness. Those being: The moon, stars, universe, dreams, and inner alchemy.

The moon, which is an integral part of my identity, is usually found to be connected to many long lived beings in myth and lore. i.e. The fae, huli jing, of course moon rabbits, etc. There is also "The waters of rejuvenation", which is said to be in the possession of the Shinto kamisama of the moon, Tsukuyomi no Mikoto.

As the moon naturally wanes, only to be reborn again as it waxes during the passing of nights. Such cyclical phenomena could be interpreted and understood by anyone to represent a reincarnation of sorts. But for I, I feel it connected to how a spirit develops even through eternity and yet remains itself. For even when the moon isn't visible it does not change the fact that it is still there.

Something eternal is often seen as unchanging. Yet, even non physical beings change and grow. Unlike the changes of corporeal form which develop due to environmental or biological factors, intangible beings develop through the continual acquirment of self knowledge and imagination. Which I connect back to dreams, figurative and literal. Without physical form to hinder oneself, an imaginal thought or act could transform the spirit if one wills it.

Life as one knows it exists today because of the death and transformation of the stars within the known universe. Birth and death is usually considered the beginning and then the inevitable end of something, but I as a moon rabbit I do not see it this way. To me, birth and death are nothing more than descriptive words for entering and exiting a physical life. If one could look beyond that, birth and death don't really exist. They are simply the transfiguration of form. The same could be said of the death of a star, the star did not cease in any way, the parts of its visible form simply transformed into other forms of being and life.

Alchemy is the transformation of matter from one state to another, and we already know matter can not be created or destroyed. My kind understand this universe and all beyond it as eternal, always remaining itself yet in an infinite dance of becoming and unbecoming. Though, such words as infinite and eternal fail to describe it in whole. Such are the limits of language.

But how does this all connect back to non-physical immortality? I would be lying if I said I had all the answers. I do not, I am just a simple moon rabbit. However, I do do a lot of musing. And the occasional hmm-ing and ha-ing. By which I mean I think a little to much for my own good and find myself in an unending cycle of ruminations. From my hours of thinking and connecting dots the best I could, I have come to feel that my kind see the wider universe in all things. And as it is unending and eternally changing, so to do all things. Making all immortal in a way, different to the folkloric idea of immortality.

As for identity and how eternal that is, one changes every day. There is never a time when one does not change in some way. As with the paradox with the ship of Theseus. If you were to change a part of yourself everyday until every part of you has changed, are you still you? Do you gaze upon photos of your child self and still identify with them despite how different you are now? Of course most would. Then I would question what is that thing within us that continues to recognize ourselves in things of passed time, despite the visible changes. It must be something of the invisible world. The imaginal, self knowledge, dreams, and so on. Some might see these things as unrelated but my feelings and definitions of these topics differ greatly.

Dreams and the imaginal are born from nothing. Besides the application of knowledge and ideas one learns from their time in life, the imagination requires not the matter that makes up physical things. Dreams and imagination, unlike physical reality, can do the unthinkable. Breath seeming life into myth, turn back time, and bring about a shift in things on a psychological level. Many associate imagination with the young, so is keeping in touch with the imagination a means of realizing innate immortality? Perhaps.

If matter is the endless grains of sand on the beach, then dreams are the means by which the sand takes shape into a myriad of castles and sculptures.

I have spoken much in this write up, and I have done a lot of speaking that might seem like nonsense. But I love speaking nonsense....or maybe my nonsense seems intelligible to you. There is still so much I could have talked about. Things that feel natural for me to know as a moon rabbit, and things I come to connect and weave bit by bit.

On one final note, I will say this. People say life goes on without you after you are gone from their sight. But to me that isn't true. Life goes on because of you and all things. Your body nourishes more life to come, your memory lives on in those who cherished you, and the endless universe will always have a place for you. Nothing is ever destroyed, only transformed.

Something I wrote about dreams and their connection to myself back when I identified as a moon rabbit.
March 2, 2023.

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Dreams aren't one of the things people traditionally associate with moon rabbits, but I find I differ in many ways from what is found in folklore.

But under the cut is just a bit of my musings on dreams in a literal, abstract, and spiritual view and my connections to them.

In my world view dreams, thoughts, imagination and the sort is reflected in everything in the visible world and not just in the invisible one. Though not many acknowledge it the way I do, I think.

Art, one's surroundings, our personalities, ect. are shaped so much by thoughts and decisions starting in the mind. Whether they are deliberate or instinctive, from the self or others. These invisible threads connect everything in such little ways, it would seem chaotic if one were able to see it all. Or at least ponder it all for a moment. Even I wonder about how thoughts along with environmental factors may have affected evolution.

In my writings I tend to ramble, and I sometimes wonder if I really am making a point about my personal connections to things. I feel too much to be able to articulate my own identity in a way that might make sense to others...but I suppose dreams in the literal and abstract represent transformation and infinity to me. I feel myself to be infinite in a divine way, and I see this in all things around me too. In the way all things are connected, and how ones perceptions can shape how they perceive what is called reality. And in how even a single thought made physical or into mere words can stir hearts for better or worse.

In me is the idea that all things dream of one another. Beings dreaming of deities. The deities dreaming of other beings. The stars dreaming of other forms. Reality dreaming of fiction, and fiction of reality. All things constantly creating one another in a seemingly endless manner.

By nature, I am an animist so to me it doesn't seem farfetched that inanimate things/concepts too can dream like animate things can. A child may hold a new toy and instantly know it's story and personality. An adult of pure logic may believe these thoughts are of the child's imagination and nothing more. I make the time for logic when it counts, but I am not a being who cares to be logical when it comes to these things. Perhaps this toy had dreamt up it's own identity, and only those with an open enough mind to see and create without shame can share in this dream.

Dreams are a part of me, dare I say I am made of them. I am dreams itself, just as I know myself to be the moon's light and so much more.

The moon is just like a mirror in how it reflects light, reflects on the state of the mind and so on. Then naturally my form reflects what I am able to imagine in my mind as I am a shapeshifter by nature...so, the moon changes shape yet remains the moon. So too do I change form at will, yet remain a moon rabbit at my core despite all the shapes I may wish to take.

So, as I am. As a moon rabbit. My father is one of many beings connected to the moon, and he had birthed me and my seven other siblings. Reflections of him, his eight little dreams. By nature we make medicine, heal, produce elixirs of immortality. Then too by nature the expression of one's dreams can be cathartic, and that which appear in night dreams can give hints to what may ail the mind. Memories and ideas when shared with others can last forever, changing shape as they are passed along.

As I have said before, my feelings are far to vast to be able to articulate them all. But I guess that just shows how important dreams are to my identity and world view. My view isn't the only one however, so at the core of all this is how much I cherish the experiences and ideas of all things. How at everything's core, to exist and to be perceived is to be changed in some way.

Dreams also play a part in my views and experiences with the concept of immortality. But I'll save that for another post and time. I apologize if my writing doesn't make any sense or comes across as sloppy. I just wrote and wrote until I couldn't articulate my heart anymore. 😭