divine_elixir | Some memories

I'm not really reading through some of these old posts, but just some memories and gay stuff. Might have some things that are incorrect compared to my current knowledge, I don't know. Posted on tumblr in 2023.

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•September 9th

Last night I dreamt I was back in Li/yue for the Moon/chase festival and everybody insisted I joined them for a feast once again. They even boasted having a special guest, but I never saw them...I only speculated who it could've been. (Probably the one who shows up in my dreams most often.)

But this dream reminded me of a memory, so I thought I should write about it.

At the the time I remember, I didn't know very many people in Li/yue due to how illusive I was. It was around the time of the Moon/chase festival and the Traveler invited me to come enjoy the festivities if I wished to, he wasn't pushy about it. Very respectful of my boundaries, A+ for him.

I don't think I took part in much of anything except showing up for a meal. I didn't know anyone else at the table except for the Traveler (and Pai/mon), so I felt a little awkward at first. Might I say I felt like I would have shat myself if my body were capable of doing so. But everybody was nice and welcoming towards me, so that definitely put me at ease. Besides who I mentioned before, I think there were only 3 or 4 others at the table. I only remember Xiang/ling, who prepared the meal, and Madam P/ing. I also remember Guo/ba being there, and I will say he was warm and squishy and soft like mash potatoes. Seeing him approach me was just 😭. Very cute.

I don't remember what any conversations that went on during the time were about. I only remember that they were pleasant and the meal was delicious. By the end of it all, I didn't stick around the harbor for long, I went on my way out into the wilderness to enjoy some moon viewing. Though I didn't go alone, the Traveler and Pai/mon came along and let me just say....Pai/mon talks a lot. Would not shut her mouth, but it didn't bother me much because I thought she was entertaining.

I find it funny how I had that dream I mentioned before in September of all months. Since moon viewing takes place near the end of this month, and Moon/chase is in the fall if I remember correctly. Maybe a part of me wants to enjoy the festival again. Or maybe somebody else wants me to.

•September 17th

This came out much longer than I intended. I just wanted to keep writing and adding things, but uhh. My gay romantic write up, which is more about how my thoughts on love developed I guess? If there are typos I am sorry, this took me over 6 hours to write.

Love of the romantic type wasn't something I ever considered much while I was in my home world. Though I did fantasize about what it could be like, I knew of it but to know of something is different to actually experiencing it.

The oldest of the dragons did attempt to woo me into becoming one of his spouses one time. And by oldest I mean he was one of the first three beings to come about when our ancestor decided to create some friends, so all dragons descended from him pretty much. Our age gap is huge too, I'm talking a 270,000+ age gap but such a thing wasn't considered weird in my home.

Of course I didn't accept his advances, but he was nice I won't lie. Marrying him probably would have been pleasant actually.

Anyhow. I don't think I understood how romantic relationships were supposed to work, nor did I think anyone else did around me. You could only do so much with an imported idea, the same with the idea of marriage. I once believed you married someone or a group of someones you wanted to spend forever with, like friends....but with extra special activities this time. Interpret that as you'd like. It didn't help that on rare occasions residents would marry outsiders, but only if the outsiders were A-okay with becoming immortal, so forever really is emphasized here. (There were a few times where immortality was refused, but I'm sure that ended totally well. For sure.)

In my time exploring Tey/vat, I never thought about falling in love. Not out of disinterest but I was just more fascinated with the world at the time. I couldn't say how long in took my fascination to turn elsewhere, but I could say when I became infatuated for the first time I became stupid.

When I met Xi/ao for the first time, it was purely on accident. I wanted to make it to the top balcony of Wang/shu inn so I could get a nice view of the area. Being people shy, I didn't want to get up there the normal way so I'm pretty sure I climbed my way up there using the big tree the inn is attached? to. (I didn't need to worry about falling since I could float, but it was still silly.)

Making it to the top balcony was worth it but seeing someone already there was a little terrifying. Imagine some weirdo scaling an entire hotel just to chill on the balcony of your room. Xi/ao didn't say anything to me as far as I could remember, and I was to embarrassed to even say hi so I just stood there and tried to enjoy the view in awkward silence until he left. I climbed back down soon after that because I did not want him finding me there if he ever came back.

I definitely did show up from time to time just to enjoy the view, and I guess we just got used to each other after a while. (Of course I was made to use the stairs like everyone else after some time. Scariest thing really having someone see you be not normal and climbing their inn.) I'm surprised Xi/ao never told me to leave, and if he did I don't remember. But as my first real contact with a native of Tey/vat I thought his company was good, not talkative and we could just stand their in silence whenever we both happened to be there.

I couldn't say when exactly we exchanged words for the first time or how I befriended him, or became romantically involved with him for that matter. I just know it took a long time, and I was smitten. I wasn't sure how to act and I don't think he did either. Publicly he never treated me any different, so I was a bit confused when he never held my hand or anything like that. Given that all the ideas of romance my homeworld acquired were of human customs, I think it checks out on why I was confused. Xi/ao didn't know that stuff since he isn't human himself, probably wasn't interested in it either?....though, privately he did indulge me. Even if he was out of his element, he was quite gentle with me and attentive. Maybe a tad too attentive, I could tell by the look in his eyes that he was treading softly, like I would break otherwise. Sweet, but I wasn't made of glass. lol hmm, I did and do love his hands though....or the way he uses them. (Not in a dirty way.....but I would not deny the other ways he did and could use them.)

It was awkward still since I was new to relationships, and I think Xi/ao preferred to show his affections in his own way. Like he would bring me things like rocks and flowers or made me stuff whenever it was possible for him, which I found endearing but it took a lot of adjusting on my part. The language I used wasn't befitting, as I only said what I did to him because I thought it was the right thing to say. That it was how couples spoke to each other. He was quite direct with me when he told me that I didn't belong to him and neither did he belong to me, so at that point I had to throw out all my mental scripts. Which left me unsure on how to proceed, how to speak to him....all that left me was speaking to him more as myself and using my own words.

Of course, we weren't in each other's face 24/7. Our meetings were actually quite sparse since Xi/ao saw his duty as top priority which I understood and never complained about or minded. So it gave me A LOT of free time to do whatever I wanted. When I think about it, it was rather nice. Being left to your own devices, meeting when you could and having those meetings feel more special because of that. I think shedding human notions of what it means to love another did me good, even if it might not seem right to outsiders it was right to us. Xi/ao's approach felt genuine on his part. He didn't seek for bondage or obsessive clinging, but a partnership between equals. And even if I still sought some form of touch, I always asked him if he were comfortable with it first and only initiated with his permission. All for the sake of boundaries.

Now I wouldn't say things didn't hurt ever. There were a few moments that did upset me or left me unsure of where I stood on some matters.

I remember asking Xi/ao if he loved me out of the blue, and I did not expect to receive no as an answer. I could have nearly cried right then and there, but I knew his actions towards me would say otherwise and he wasn't mean by nature.....so I could only guess it comes down to his want to not use such a word to describe what we had. However he saw what was between us, I don't know.

There was also the case of him never involving me in his usual duties, despite my curiosity or want to help. Seeing the remnants of one of his battles for the first time came as a shock to me. Slaughter as well as the damage done to the vicinity made me fear him for his strength....and maybe a part of me still does. But his strength was also oddly reassuring though I wouldn't tell him that. If I ever were in trouble I could rely on him just as I would have wished for him to rely on me for things that I could do for him. Plus, I find the dichotomy between such destructiveness and the gentle nature he expresses in private kind of hmmm, heehee. Not being a weirdo about it, I genuinely think it endearing. He's just so endearing to me all around.

I'm still a sensitive being, but with Xi/ao I think I toughened up a little. He could be blunt with his words, and if it were anyone else I would have cried....but when he speaks to me. Criticizes me when it mattered, I felt it came from a place of care so why cry even when I felt a tightness in my chest? When I asked if he believed in me, he simply stated he didn't and that he knew I was already capable. I might prefer something as corny as the power of believing, but being told that I was already capable did something to me. I won't lie. Maybe he sensed something in me that I couldn't see for myself. Hmm.

As for other things, I wasn't the only one involved with him. Certainly, I guess I could call myself one of Xi/ao's confidants but seeing him confide in me on matters of his personal feelings was....awkward. It feels like a crime to even repeat it here, so I guess I won't but to see him want to get close to and pursue another as he's gotten close to me was surprising. I did feel inadequate at times, but to compare myself to the other party would have been criminal especially in Xi/ao's eyes I'm sure of that. The way he speaks to and treats the both of us was certainly tailored to our specific natures, so there wasn't special treatment or need for comparison. And I could at least be thankful, I couldn't push Xi/ao out of his ten million padlock high end security comfort zone myself. I give to much respect to his want to self isolate to an unhealthy degree and would have enabled him, so of course I'm thankful that the next guy nudged him a little bit. And nudged me too, I was not spared.......this set up is polyamory, isn't it???

Hmm, with all things considered and my understanding of the Xi/ao I know...I'm sure if I were to offer him immortality he would refuse it. I can not and will not own him, and I wouldn't dream of it anyway. Even if the idea of being with him forever would have made me happy, I think putting him through eternity would be inhumane and cruel. It would tear me apart to realize what I put him through if I were actually selfish, I'm sure of that. Seeing him start to value his own life more and open up a little, it was pleasant and new to me in the sense that I didn't know there were those who didn't value themselves beyond a certain purpose.

But....whenever his time is then I'm sure my acceptance of that and allowing him to pass with dignity would be true love and not whatever I used to fantasize about. I doubt I'd wish to move on and form other relationships after that, some part of me believes that if I wait a bit -even if I waited thousands of years- then I would find him again in some different form. But that's just the sappy part of me talking, I want to believe!

Now, being a soulbonder and all I do communicate with him. Though rarely. I think he would just like me to focus on my little venture here and whatever else I wish to do without feeling like I need to get back to him or anyone else in a hurry. This human body isn't mine I'm sure, and I guess I could leave whenever. It's not like I'm held captive here.....I just forgot how to leave, I don't know. But if he cares for me enough to want me to do what I desire most without feeling obligated to him, then I guess he really does love me.

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I said my little gay write up would be gay and nasty. Well sorry I lied. I'm gatekeeping the nastiness. 🙄