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[divine_elixir]

 Posted on tumblr: February 11, 2024.
Rambling about the definition of 'Home'

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Talking about the idea of 'Home' in the club tonight.

 

I dislike concrete definitions, but looking up the meaning of the word 'home' in the dictionary made it feel....too permanent. But I am not obligated to define it in whatever way I am told. I always liked calling myself a voyager. If the stars are a sea, then I sail them to where I feel best. Though I go where I wish, I don't know if I can call myself nomadic. 

 

It's hard to think of what home means to me. I am a part of everything. I contain everything, yet nothing contains me. By that logic I can say there is nowhere I don't belong. I am always 'home' in every way. Yet, the me that is Nemi wishes to have a place called home. Some place special and unique to me. 

 

Of course, I do have a personal realm, but it's more like my hiding place. A playground where I do as I please. Tey/vat, I do have deep feelings for, but I'm afraid to label it home. If given the choice, would I return to it? In a heartbeat. I have people and things I love there after all. I wouldn't let any part of it go.

 

However, if I had landed in some other world and never have come to know Tey/vat would my feelings have run as deep then? I couldn't say, since the experience would have been different. When I engage with fiction, I know in my heart such worlds exist and I wonder if I would have loved to explore these places. Would I love them enough to come back to them? Enough to adopt their words and ways, and model myself after the very laws of their universe? I believe with Tey/vat, I merely adopted a role of being some kind of avatar of the imagin/ary tree. Perhaps because I wished to make myself more digestible/or connect with that corner of the multiverse, or whatever you wish to call it. I've also been mistaken for an adep/tus or god by humans on some occasions, so if that perception of me is what allows others to "understand" me....then what harm is there to adopting a role? Not that I meant any offense to the ade/pti or gods. 

 

Maybe feeling understood plays a part in what one calls home. Understood and just allowed to be. I'm not something that can be defined, so what hope is there to being understood? Or maybe what I'm thinking of is acceptance. I want acceptance, and I know I have that and am thankful for it. However, I don't know if that's enough to view anywhere home.

 

Maybe I don't have to have a home. I've a habit of taking any concept and unraveling it in my mind until it's completely nothing. If home exists as an idea in each of us, and that idea can contain an infinite amount of unique meanings. Then an exact definition becomes useless outside of the need for conceptualization, does it not? Those who've met me and know me can have their impressions of me, but I am none of those impressions despite the infinite ways I can appear in another's eyes. 

 

I don't know what I'm trying to say, but I don't think I'm trying to say anything at all. Home to me, like any other idea, isn't something I wish to define deep down despite my questioning of what it means to me. My scorn for exact labeling must play a part in that.