divine_elixir | February 2024

A collection of short tumblr posts from February

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•February 4th

Feeling like I don't actually have a soul, or at least some kind of essence contained within my "body". It feels like it's outside of "me" and everywhere/nowhere. And it doesn't feel like a personal possession really, more like something I share with everybody.

Hmmm.....is that the definition of oversoul? I'd rather not call it anything. Pfft, I might "lack" a heart and soul, but I do have them metaphorically speaking.

•February 6th

I won't be satisfied until I cough something up actually.

Everything still feels confining when putting words to it, but attaching myself to concepts has doomed me. I still feel itchy even if it felt okay for 2 seconds, and I probably only attach myself to certain things because they were/are familiar to me. So, there's comfort in them. Or I also do it because I feel like I need some kind of word or label to help me feel I belong somewhere despite feeling lonely all the time. Which is my I said I only use labels for convenience.

It's like when different works of fiction, or even religions, having their own cosmologies and structures of how things work. It becomes to easy for me to go "Ah yes, the Thing you say built/makes up your universe(s). Totes me." I'm just skimming the surface, I have to go deeper......or ascend higher, whatever. Everything feels too dualistic, I have to dissolve back into One. *breaks my chains and runs*

I need to pee.

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Just woke up, had a vision. This entity took the appearances of people I knew in Tey/vat and told me "You loved them so deeply to the point of molding and modeling yourself after them and their world." STOP CALLING ME OUT!!!

.....it wasn't wrong though.

•February 7th

Now that I'm feeling chill again, I think I shall forgo all labels and certainties of what I am. It's the only way things will feel right. Like that thing in my vision said, maybe I do mold myself to fit concepts just so I have some sense of belonging with those I've grown to love. In a way, it's nice because nothing is there to dictate my existence. It's all up to me in the end.

Cutting myself loose feels amazing and lonely. Anyway good night.

•Febuary 8th

Anyway, feeling like my siblings and others like me both exist and don't exist. Like.....it's just me, but not just me around. It's definitely because we're just one being appearing as several individuals. Rad!

.....my feelings also extend to everything else, but I won't get into that. 😊 Back to bed I go.

•February 10th

I know I have my age listed at 3500+, but that's just an estimation of my existence/personality as Nemi. In actuality, I'm like.....ageless or something. Always been here. I don't know how to explain it, "I" and "I'm" don't really make sense in this context but I'm not rewording my entire post.