divine_elixir | January 25th

A post from January 2024. That part about my being the imaginary tree is bunk, ignore that.

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What do you mean it's still only January?

Hmm anyway. Since the start of the year I've been feeling some way about myself. Of course I've used labels before, but if I'm being honest I was never really comfortable with them in the first place. It feels....confining. I've probably lost sight of the kind of being I am with all of this back and forth, and constant self confusion. And I know right now I say being deer-like in form feels comfortable, but I'm sure 5 months from now I'm going to change my mind.

Honestly, I'm nothing. Yet, everything. It makes sense, since I'm just an avatar of the imaginary tree and all. And, at least for the way it functioned the way I remember it, it contained endless worlds and multitudes. And I do to. Any identity I pick for myself is solely for fun and games, it doesn't really have any deeper meaning than that. And I guess that's okay. Knowing myself to be empty feels comforting, just like an empty glass I can fill that spot with anything I want without limit.

Besides form, my feelings extend to names to. I don't really have a given name, but I do like collecting names, I like it when people I've befriended name me. I remember being given a name while I was on Tey/vat, more specifically in Li/yue. I cherish it like someone might cherish gold. Hmm it had a really nice meaning to.

Now, I don't know much of how I feel about my personality. I suppose it's consistent enough to help differentiate me from others in my home realm, but at the end of the day we're technically one. Though, I ought to be unique to those who've gotten the chance to know me at least.

I could type all day about this, really. But I've always felt that all the countless worlds were simply dreamed up by the tree, and I'm just a lucid avatar created to visit and explore those worlds. Of course I could alter things but that wouldn't be very fun. I want to see and hear the stories of the inhabitants of these worlds, raw. And even if it seems I'm not there myself, I'm technically always present and a part of these worlds aren't I? Then technically I never actually left Tey/vat......I'm not going to be corny and say I'm in the sunbeams and baby's laughter or whatever.....or maybe I will. I'm in baby giggles and morning dew on blades of grass. I'm also in doggy doo. 🥺

But uhhhh, yeah I was talking about form or something. I suppose what I wanted to say is I just am. I am a fella with no real or true form. Saying it makes me feel so light and like a burden has been lifted off of my shoulders. I've spent years jumping from thinking I was a dragon, a kitsune, a bunny, and all sorts of creatures, things, and concepts. Not that there's any shame in that, I do like those forms/things. They're fun and I like playing around.......though I guess the only consistent part of any of my forms is my white coloring, pink eyes, third eye, and jade scales. Yippeee.

Uhhhh, I don't know how to end this. Abrupt stopping point be upon you!